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ADHD and Marriage: How to Talk About Your Challenges

adhd

Do you struggle explaining your ADHD challenges to your spouse? If so, you aren't alone, and I'm here to share some tips.

A little background on me and my hubby...

When my oldest was going into kindergarten, I was pretty sure he had ADHD and was ready to get a diagnosis. Every time I brought it up, my husband tried to dismiss the idea and thought I was projecting my issues onto our son. He was a little bit (okay, a LOT) in denial about our son's needs. He also didn't really understand ADHD.

He knew I had ADHD. He knew how my meds helped me. He knew I did well in school. He trusted me. AND YET... he was afraid of the stigma of ADHD and felt like that was limiting our son. So, I homeschooled for kindergarten because I knew there was no way he could sit in a desk all day.

In the spring, I started the evaluation process with a private psychologist. My husband agreed to the process, and I took on all the burden of the appointments and scheduling and all of that YUCK. After three sessions, the psychologist sat us down and explained to my husband that our son would never reach his full potential without medicine. He explained to him how our son was incredibly bright and was showing signs of dyslexia that he thought medicine would address immediately.

My husband came out of that appointment singing a completely different tune. Flash forward five years... my husband is now diagnosed with both ADHD and ASD and in ongoing therapy. He's on medicine and has embraced meditation, doing a complete 180 in terms of his understanding of all things neurodiversity. He is now my biggest advocate and supporter.

ALL THAT TO SAY...

People change, but it doesn't happen overnight. Preconceived ideas can be hard to change, but sometimes it takes hearing the same thing from a different perspective to really change. For my husband, hearing a trained medical professional explain the science part of it was what he needed to shift how he saw my son's challenges.

As for understanding me and my challenges...

Well, that's an ongoing, never-ending process for us. His personal growth journey has helped our marriage immensely. He understands when I need downtime or am feeling overstimulated because he too has the same needs frequently. He also understands the habits that I need to prioritize so that I don't get overstimulated and supports those efforts.

In our marriage, I've found that the more honest I am about my struggles, the more willing I am to accommodate his as well, and vice versa. My personal growth has also played a huge role as I've learned to better articulate my needs. The more I understand the ADHD brain, the better able I am to communicate with him AND the more confidence I have in asking for support and help.

But to boil it down, here are my tips for communicating your needs to your spouse:

  1. Don't use your ADHD as an excuse when you disappoint or hurt your spouse in some way. If you make a silly mistake, laugh it off, but if you actually drop a ball that impacts them, own it and apologize. Just because you have ADHD, that doesn't mean their feelings don't matter.

  2. Do the work yourself to understand your ADHD brain and to explain your struggles over time with your husband. This isn't just one magical conversation where they get your brain but an ongoing thing where you share what you are learning about yourself. Therapy can be incredibly helpful for this in helping you to articulate your own struggles.

  3. Ask for help in specific ways that your spouse can implement. You aren't a child. You are a partner. So, find ways that your spouse can partner with you to help lower the executive functioning demands of your life. I find it incredibly helpful to give my husband ongoing responsibilities that I don't have to worry about and having a clear division of labor. And when they do something that is really helpful, let them know why and how! Often times the tone and timing are the most critical, and it has taken us years to really articulate those small nuances to each other.

  4. Do the work to understand and care well for your spouse too. Marriage is a two-way street, and whether your spouse is neurotypical or neurodivergent, they are definitely different from you. The best way to get more grace and patience is to extend grace and patience to them.

  5. Focus on addressing 1-2 areas of your ADHD struggles that are hard for your spouse. For example, my husband really hates being late for church. I've gotten really good about getting out of the door most days, but on Sundays, I always struggle. So, I've set a bunch of alarms on my phone to tell me when to get ready and when we need to leave. It's impossible for us to master every struggle at one time, but being intentional in a few key areas can help.

  6. Encourage your spouse to do his own self-care and personal work to understand himself. Mark getting in therapy is an absolute gift to me and to our whole family. I support him taking the time and energy to make that a priority.

  7. Get in Community! Having a safe outlet like the MTM Community to articulate your struggles is so helpful. Knowing that you and your spouse aren't alone in your struggles and hearing how others navigate their differences is incredibly helpful. Join the MTM Community

Lastly, I'd add that I understand we don't live in a perfect world and that many spouses aren't encouraging, supportive, or kind. I can't possibly address that here but encourage you to seek out a trained therapist or counselor who can help you navigate your marriage struggles.

Having ADHD doesn't make you broken. You have the capacity to be an amazing partner and spouse, and you deserve a partner who wants to dig in to understand your brain and your unique needs.

If your spouse is looking for resources to learn more about ADHD, here are a few that I recommend:

  • The Disruptors - ADHD Documentary: This is an easy-to-watch documentary, and I highly recommend it if your kids too are ADHD. Info Here
  • ADHD 2.0 by Dr. Ned Hallowell: This is the easiest to read and most comprehensive ADHD book, in my opinion. It's a great primer on all things ADHD. BUY HERE
  • ADHD is Awesome by Penn and Kim Holderness: This is a great book with a lot of the spouse's perspective. Kim is not ADHD, so she shares how she has learned to help and support her husband Penn and gives some really helpful insights for someone that is not ADHD. BUY HERE
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