How to Live Out of Your Strengths as SAHM with ADHD
I mistakenly thought that being a stay at home mom (SAHM) would be the answer to all of my ADHD struggles. Boy, was I wrong.
I absolutely understand that even having this option is a privilege that many don't have but my mistake was thinking that having more free time would make it easier for me to do things that I tend to avoid when in fact it was never a time issue, it was a brain issue.
And my interest driven brain needs both structure and mental stimulation to function well which can be very hard to come by as a stay at home parent of young kids.
My oldest son was born in 2011 and after having him, I went back to work full time for almost two years in a corporate setting. I actually loved working and having the mental challenge and the routine and our son had a great childcare situation.
I made the transition to be a stay at home mom at that time because we didn't have family nearby, I thought we'd get pregnant quickly and I wanted more time flexibility. It was always extremely tight for us financially living on one income and I knew that I'd need to build an additional source of income but I knew corporate America wasn't the right fit and I wanted time to find what would work for me long term.
I was completely unprepared for how hard that transition would be for my ADHD.
The reality is that ADHD brains need mental stimulation and though I loved the time with my son and the flexibility of our life, I really struggled with not having a creative outlet.
It took me a solid decade to really find "my thing" and to build a robust business that uses my gifts and my brain to serve others in a meaningful way while also providing a consistent and significant income stream to support our family.
Having now worked with so many moms with ADHD, it's clear to me that the crucial first step in this process is also the one that is most overlooked and that's creating the time and space to pursue your big ideas. This step took me the longest to figure out because so few moms that I knew were living in a way that made time to build a business of substance.
I could easily spend the entire day cleaning and cooking and caregiving but when I tried to do that, I would then stay up until midnight reading after my son went to bed. Though my body was exhausted, my brain was bored and hyper and needed an outlet outside of the mundane tasks of motherhood.
When I tried to articulate these struggles to the moms around me, I was met with blank stares because they didn't have this problem or this need for intense mental stimulation.
For years I tried to look for outward validation and wanted for other moms around me to be wired like me and have the same drive and the desire to grow a business. Over time, I've come to see that is the beauty and the uniqueness of the ADHD brain. Not everyone is wired like me and has the drive and ambition to build a business and that's okay!
I had to embrace that my motherhood and my daily life is going to look different from those around me and that my brain and my family has unique needs.
I then had to focus on making the time consistently for my big ideas and focus on the process not the outcome. I think far too many moms feel like they need to work out a whole monetization strategy before they are allowed to pursue something of interest. But if you are building something new there will be some tinkering AND you will have ideas that you won't actually enjoy once you actually try them. You have to give yourself time to try new things and focus on the discipline of consistent action.
Learning to make time and to take consistent action towards your big ideas is the necessary first skill you have to develop apart from the success component.
We tend to beat ourselves up for trying new things and then getting sidetracked but that is just part of the process. I've tried so many things and learned a lot and made mistakes but I've grown so much along the way.
As you take steps to live out of your strengths and to find your thing as a Stay at Home Mom, here's some tips to help you!
Be Honest With Yourself and Others
This is a new season of life and there are things that will surprise you. There are things that you thought you'd love that you find really overwhelming or overstimulating. There are things that the moms around you all tend to do that won't work for you. Don't waste your energy beating yourself up about those things and instead be honest with yourself and others.
One example that comes to mind to me is class parties. I love parties and themes and decorations and thought for sure I'd love being a class mom. Um, no! They are really stressful and overstimulating for me. I can step up when needed and will gladly plan some ideas for others to execute but being honest about that has helped me.
Advocate for Yourself
As my kids have gotten older and needed more accomodations at school, I've gotten much better at asking for accomodations for myself too. I really struggle making appointments over the phone and especially in person. I much prefer to make those plans via text or email and have learned to ask for that wherever possible. It's as simple as "can you send me an email to schedule that?". It also really helps me to plan in advance as many things as possible in writing. It may sound small and not like a big deal but the more you can ask for these small accommodations, the more energy you will have to show up for your family and to pursue your thing. Also, the better you get at identifying your struggles and challenges, the better you will also get at identifying your strengths.
Side Note: if you really struggle with picking up the phone for appointments, I highly recommend a service called Yohana. They've been a huge life saver for me. Check it out here!
Ask for Help
ADHD brains are capable of so many amazing things but we also have very real struggles that can impact our daily life. Hiding and pretending we don't have struggles takes a lot of energy and makes us feel like an imposter. It's possible to have brilliant areas of genius and also have areas of significant deficit. You don't have to be ashamed about that or let those struggles derail your life. Instead, you can ask for help from those around you. If you really struggle with memory or time blindness, ask your friend to text you before the library story time to remind you. Yes, set an alarm on your phone too but being honest about our struggles makes them have less power over us.
Establish Routines to Minimize Decision Fatigue
No surprise that I'm going to recommend routines because I'm a huge fan. I love a good checklist and I rely heavily on time blocking as it gives me the visual I need to know what matters in my life. One key difference that helps me is to think about a weekly routine vs a daily routine especially when you are in a season with young babies. If every day looks exactly the same, that gets very boring very fast and you will likely need more variety for your own sanity. Yes, kids need routine and consistency but you get to decide what works best for you. It's also hard to expect yourself to get out of the house everyday so having a mix of outings, errands, playdates, and down days at home is helpful. I also like to plan around set events like story time at the library or an exercise class because it provides some anchors to get you out of the house and you can easily invite other people to those standing times. My brain does much with those standing times because it's also less to remember. I can set weekly alarms for those ongoing things.
Collaborate with Others
Most of us with ADHD are high on ideation which means we have an endless supply of ideas. I've had to learn to accept that I will always have more ideas than is humanly possible for me to pursue or execute. I've also had to learn that it's always helpful for me to loop in someone else to help me execute and provide accountability. When I get an idea that is do-able but I know I will probably forget it, I often text a friend or my spouse to see what they think. If it dies quickly than no big deal but if they like the idea, I now have someone to help me bounce ideas off of and to help make decisions.
For example, I saw a concert posting an hour away that I wanted to attend and I'd been really wanting an adventure with a new group of moms friends. So, I texted one of them and asked what she thought. She loved the idea and then lead up the effort to get the tickets and coordinate the logistics. It was such a fun night and my idea ended up being what we all needed!
Collaboration is especially helpful with playdates or outings with the kids too because though I have lots of ideas and love planning things, I struggle with actually doing the thing. If the kids are complaining and there is a lot of effort to get out of the door, it can be easy to bail on the idea even if it's something I really want to do. Having a friend in it with me helps me to actually do the thing and take the kids wherever we'd been wanting to go.
Give Yourself Permission to Try New Things
Our brains love novelty so the act of trying something new in itself is good for our souls. Stop beating yourself up for trying new things and start making trying new things part of your daily life. Don't convince yourself that this is your "new thing" and spend thousands of dollars getting every piece of gear. You will get bored and want to try something new and that's 100% normal if you have an interest driven brain.
Instead, pay attention to the things that stick. Those things will be few and far between and are worth noting. Those are the things that will lead you to find your unique calling or purpose. Something will emerge in time and it will be something that you naturally enjoy and can easily hyperfocus on for hours. It might take time to figure out how to monetize it but you have to first let that thing come to the surface and that starts with trial and error.
Something I've also come to understand about myself, is that even though I have a clear vision of my purpose and how to use my gifts in this season... The list of things I want to learn and try is still very long! I'll always have side projects and tangents because I'm a creative and curious person. I don't let them derail my goals but have also learned that making time for those things is essential.
Prioritize + Pursue Your Unique Interests
Working with moms inside Master the Mundane, one of the most common things I hear is "I don't even know what I'm interested in anymore" and I have definitely been there. But interest driven brains NEED that outlet on an ongoing basis. Even if you haven't found your thing, make time for things that are interesting to you whether they make sense or not. Find ways to sprinkle your interests in to your days.
- Find 2-3 podcasts that are fun and interesting to you and not just about parenting strategies.
- Read (or listen to) books about things you want to learn or stories that you enjoy.
- Sign up for an online course to learn something new or take an in person class.
- Find things that both you and your kids are interested in and do more of that together.
Focus on Your Desires for Your Family
There isn't one right way to do family and each family has unique constraints and needs. You get to decide your priorities for your family and make time for what matters the most to you. And more importantly, you get to decide which of your strengths you most want to bring to your family. How can you use your unique strengths and abilities to create a unique family culture and care well for your kids? Your kids get a front row seat to the best parts of you! Instead of beating yourself up about the struggles, spend more energy bringing your strengths to life for them.
For ongoing support in this process, check out Master the Mundane. I walk you through step by step creating routines and systems to help you thrive so that you have the time and energy to pursue your big ideas.
