Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Moms: Why Capacity Matters More With ADHD

Have you ever looked at another mom's weekend and wondered how she does it?

A game in the morning, a birthday party, a volunteer shift, and a holiday party that night. She's tired, sure. But she's fine.

Meanwhile, one packed Saturday leaves you overstimulated, short with everyone, and needing two days to feel human again.

Me too. For years.

I'm a mom with ADHD raising 3 kids with ADHD. For a long time, I worked out how I was supposed to live by comparing myself to other moms: how they spent their time, their energy, and their money.

In this post, I'm sharing the kind of thinking that kept me stuck, the uncomfortable truth that finally got me out, and why it matters so much going into the holidays.

Not so your family will look like mine. So you can figure out what your family can actually hold.

The Saturday everyone else called normal

In my book, I tell the story of a Saturday when we had too many things on the calendar.

Every one of them was a good thing. Things we wanted to do. But all together? I knew I'd end up overwhelmed, overstimulated, and exhausted.

So I figured out what to decline.

Then I talked to other moms about their plans for that same day. They were all doing even more than I'd been worried about. They were stressed and tired, sure. But they weren't worried.

To them, it was just normal.

The "us vs. them" thinking that kept me stuck

I was retelling that story on a recent coaching call, and the conversation took a turn.

Someone pointed out that just because a day like that is "normal" for other moms doesn't mean it's healthy. Maybe they're leaning on negative coping habits. Maybe they're cranky. Maybe they should be doing less too.

I get it. I thought that way for years.

I call it us vs. them thinking. It makes us feel a little superior to the moms who haven't figured out how to slow down, scale back, or know their limits.

But after years (and years, and years) of overscheduling, I can tell you it never actually helped me change.

Because it kept me from accepting a really hard truth about me and my family.

The uncomfortable truth: other moms may really have more capacity

"Those moms" might be tired and cranky after a day like that. Or they might not.

As hard as it was for me to admit:

• They may have more capacity than I do.
• Their kids may have more capacity than my kids do.
• And overdoing it for me might look very different than overdoing it for them.

That's not a character flaw. That's capacity.

Living within my capacity only became possible when I stopped comparing it to everyone else's and started understanding my own.

What a "normal" weekend costs me

Here's a recent example.

On Friday night, my husband Mark and I had a lovely date night. We were home at a reasonable hour, but I had a martini and didn't sleep well.

On Saturday, I dropped my oldest at his band competition at 8:30 am and basically didn't stop. Errands. Walked the dog. Took my daughter to violin, then straight to a birthday party. Came home for five minutes, then volunteered at the high school until 7 pm. Dinner was pizza and Chick-fil-A on the go.

On Sunday, I was up early to volunteer with the 4-year-olds at church. Then I rested and read most of the day.

For a lot of moms, that's a normal weekend.

For me, it was way past my limit. I have ADHD and ASD, I'm 45 and in the thick of perimenopause, and my body has some chronic health stuff that flares hard when I'm off my normal routines. That weekend left my whole body exhausted, swollen, and wiped.

I wrote the first draft of this post from under my covers on a very well-deserved duvet day. I'd already told Mark we needed to skip our usual Monday night plans so I could recover enough to function the rest of the week.

Why the same day costs a mom with ADHD more

It's not that you're weaker or worse at this. The same calendar can simply ask more of some families than others.

• Your nervous system may have a lower threshold for chaos. Noise, crowds, and back-to-back plans add up faster when your brain is already working hard to filter everything.
• Your kids may handle transitions differently. Some kids roll with changed plans and short sleep. Others need a lot more support, and that support comes from you.
• Your body may be less forgiving. Random food, standing for hours, and a late night can hit harder, especially in perimenopause.
• The hangover is real. After a big day, a lot of moms with ADHD get what I call an executive function and nervous system hangover. Every drop-off, switch, and "don't forget" draws from the same tank, and the bill comes the next day.

Other moms might not get that hangover after the exact same day. They might not understand what it costs you. But I think if they knew, they'd have a lot more compassion.

What I wish I'd known sooner

Comparing myself to other moms, or judging them, was a waste of energy I didn't have to spare.

Needing more recovery doesn't make me a bad mom. I can be a great mom when I accept my limits and plan around them.

This is a big part of why I say: stop comparing yourself to neurotypical moms raising neurotypical kids. The comparison is rigged from the start. Your family's capacity is the only one you need to understand.

And when I say your capacity, I also mean your kids' capacity. Their capacity affects yours. Your family has its own unique capacity.

Why this matters going into the holidays

The holidays are when comparison gets loud. It might sound like:

• "They spend so much on gifts. Those kids are spoiled."
• "They travel too much. They're never home."
• "She really needs better boundaries."

Or it turns inward: "Why can't I do what she does?"

Either way, it pulls your attention off the only thing you can actually plan around: what your family can hold this season.

What I do instead of comparing

1. I notice the us vs. them thought. When I catch myself judging another family's calendar, I take it as a sign I'm not paying attention to my own.
2. I count the cost, not just the hours. A day can fit on the calendar and still be too much. I look at what it will actually take out of me and my kids.
3. I include my kids' capacity. If they're running on empty, I am too, no matter what my own energy says.
4. I make the recovery call early. After a big weekend, I decide ahead of time what we're skipping so I'm not running on fumes all week.

Honest questions to ask yourself this week

• Who do I compare my calendar to most, and how do I usually feel afterward?
• When was the last time a "normal" day left me wiped for the next one?
• What does overdoing it look like in my body and my mood?
• What does it look like for my kids?
• If I stopped measuring against other moms, what would I say yes to this season? What would I let go?

There's no wrong answer. The point is to start noticing your own family's capacity instead of someone else's.

You're not a bad mom for having a lower threshold

You're not lazy, and you're not behind. Your capacity is different, and different isn't wrong.

When you stop spending energy comparing and judging, you get that energy back for the people in your house.

In this week's paid Substack post, I go deeper into exactly how I plan around my capacity during the holidays. I share how I tell the difference between depletion and burnout, the same Saturday planned two ways, the 7 details I check before we say yes to anything, and how I plan for recovery (including the day after Christmas).

[READ THE FULL VERSION ON SUBSTACK]

Do you find yourself comparing your calendar to other moms', especially this time of year? Tell me in the comments. I read every one.